Two kinds of happiness

I was thinking a lot about happiness in the last month and I discovered there are two kinds of it. First one is just to feel good. You feel good when you are lying on the sun carless because you did everything you needed; you can feel happy just because you don’t need to do anything. But for me the most important is the other happiness. I call it a holistic happiness when you are in a harmony with your life, universe and everything. This one is really hard to find because you can be unsatisfied with your job, your love situation, your apartment, etc. But these are all outer factors meaning you connect your happiness to elements that sometimes are not in your control at the current moment. Therefore I came up with a conclusion that makes sense. First thing that should make us happy is to be on this world because it is a gift. We should be thankful we have a chance to experience this wonderful opportunity.

O.k. then… Your job sucks, but you still have so many hours to do things you love doing. There are so many things in this world you can try. I actually don’t have time to do everything I want. I want to play a guitar, draw, make video tutorials, cook, design clothes, meet new people, travel, read books, go to boxing, go to the gym… But on a long term I can do all of it. We forget how long life is. We want to do everything in a sudden. We want to have a perfect partner, a perfect job, gorgeous apartment, but we forget how much effort we need to put to achieve our goals. People rather sit watching TV or cuddle with their love letting the day pass. And here is the trick. You can’t be happy by doing nothing just enjoying the fruits of life. Happiness always takes effort, effort that makes you satisfied with who you are. But you can only be happy with yourself if you have many failures and achievements in your life which definitely take time. Therefore happiness is a whole life process that is built on effort and sweat. But there is also an easier way.

We can be happy by being the love itself. We should love everything and everyone. I see so many people trying to be cool, to be pretty and to be appreciated. Instead you should focus your energy to give love. It doesn’t help you if you are the most gorgeous guy on the planet if you are an idiot that doesn’t know how to enjoy life by struggling to be better in everything you are doing every day. I find it sad how many people that spread love have trouble finding true friends. But now I get it. The world is so full of people that live for their image so the ones that are full of love are in a minority. Don’t let this stand in your way. It is better to have one true friend than lots of acquaintances. Just be love itself and you will attract people in your life that will help make it perfect. Be happy with what you have and don’t just dream about things. Do them, do them now!


Feeling People

I know I live away with the fairies! I didn’t realize it when I was younger, but now I do. I notice it because lots of people call me crazy. Even though they say in a positive way for me it just means that I am different. I see how hard it is for many people to understand me when I am just being myself not thinking how the environment will react. There is a whole world inside of me that is just mine. I don’t let many people in because they wouldn’t get it.

Last time I met a girl that solved my mystery. I always thought I need to adapt to people’s behaviour. I started to be couscous about what people think of me. I started feeling lonely in the world full of people because I thought I need to change. This means that if I feel like dancing in the middle of an empty club and no one else wants to do it I shouldn’t be sitting in the corner. I also shouldn’t expect other people to change and go dancing too. Therefore this girl helped me understand that there are plenty people that think like me and share similar passions like me, it is just me who is not meeting them because I want to be “normal”. She said I try to fit a boring world whereas I should focus on a whole new dimension which is far more fun.

Since then I totally shifted my mentality. It didn’t happen many times that a person would let me explore their wonderland and show me where their creativity comes from after just a few times we’ve met. Not because of them, but because I wasn’t prepared to be as opened also. It is funny how creativity arrives from two parts of a person. One part is full of love and happiness and the other part is dark and full of fears we keep inside. I just adore it when you meet a person and you feel like you know each other for ages because you both share these two parts with each other. I love it when people openly talk about their fears because it shows how fearless they are in living their life. I know most of the time I think too much emotionally, but this is who I am. This is what on the long run makes me happy.

Now I understand why so many people think I am cute instead of tough. I knew I can feel people and their hearts and I should always follow my instinct but I never thought how easy this actually is. Now I can read people from the distance. I feel their energy, I feel their fears and I feel how good hearted they are. Now it is me who is playing the game. I lead the story of my life. I choose who I want to share my thoughts with, what I want to do and where I want to be. I love it! Now I know what loneliness did to me.

Especially I learned my lesson when I went to live in Rome for a year. I didn’t know the language and I didn’t have any friend with me. It made me feel! It made me understand how people function and it made me understand how to be satisfied with myself. After all I was spending most of the time with myself so I should love and understand myself best. I still feel quite lonely because there are not many people that would match my personality but the ones that do will stay in my heart forever. I am thankful to Layla for showing me what is Laylaland and I am thankful to everyone who became a part of my heart.

Live your life

Yesterday my amazing friend Michalis told me what he was thinking. He said he would love to see people living their life like they show it on social media at least one day in a year. This reminded me how deceived we are with an idea of ideal life. I find it interesting how many people write me they envy my situation. How come no one thinks about how I miss my family, my friends, beautiful mountains where I love to go, cuteness of my hometown’s city centre and warmth of the people.

I think most of us have reached a moment when we didn’t want to be responsible for our lives because we still wanted to be like teenagers enjoying fruits of our youth. But these days are over!!! I also find it interesting that people perceive a young person going to work in a foreign country like an Erasmus student who goes for a year of parties and good time and not like someone who is struggling.

I don’t want you to see my writing as complaining and crying about my situation because I love my life, I love being in this world and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring me, because I am finally on the right path to happiness. I just want to say that it is not always like it looks.

People are obsessed with showing others how happy they are even though they don’t have a slightest idea of what happiness really is because they connect it to outer elements and not their inner self. When I post photos on Instagram my perception of how things are is totally different then the perception my fans create. None of the fans actually noticed how hard it was to get a lovely girl in front of the camera and make a few nice shots.

Ofcourse I enjoy doing it but there are still parts that I dislike. First I need to meet a girl, then I need to take her out twice so she gets comfortable with me and doesn’t think I’ll be making a porn video which actually happened once. Aside of that I don’t know many of my fans noticed that I have a regular job for which including logistics I need 11h five times per week, I go to the gym, do the grocery shopping, cook and I wash my own laundry.  After I somehow manage to put my makeup ideas on the paper, I need to organize a shooting so I and the girl have the same day off, I usually need to put three really big and heavy bags on my shoulders, go on the crowded tube and change two trains.

Twice I went off the train and I needed to carry the bags all the way up into the girl’s apartment which was on the top floor of the building.  Ofcourse I didn’t show my fans how sweaty I was by carrying all the equipment because I wanted to show them how fabulous everything was.

Something is life and something is an illusion. Even though we understand the difference, our subconscious always tricks us. This means that even if I would post a photo of me all sweaty it would actually make people laugh because I would look cute in a way. So…

Today I want you all to live your life like you show it on Facebook. Good luck! 🙂

Is this Christmas?!

It is almost Christmas. Everyone is running around trying to do everything they think they need to. When I ask people I serve on our counter: “How’s your Christmas shopping?” thinking about all the big bags they carry, their usual answer is: “Oh, it is awful!” When I ask them why they say it is very stressful to buy gifts for everyone.

I don’t understand how buying gifts for people you love can in any way be stressful. When I do it I do it with love. I take my time choosing what to buy. Usually I already know because I know what my beloved ones like. And anyway there are not many people I buy gifts for because I buy them only for the people I truly love. There are some people for whom I am sort of obliged to buy gifts because of certain expectations of society, but I actually don’t care. I don’t have that much time in my life. I find Christmas period so stressful not because of all the things I need to do but because people go crazy and I cannot have quality time with them. Going for a coffee during Christmas looks like a battle plan.

I find it strange because Christmas should be a time when you can be with people you love and not rush from place to place just because you feel obliged to. There are also many people that arrive to me on the counter with a list of things they need to buy. Some are searching for a lipstick we don’t have in stock. The problem is because they were ordered that lipstick for Christmas.

I thought Christmas is about a surprise, an excitement of opening an unknown present. Where is all the fun when you are opening a gift you already know what is inside? I think next year it will be better if we think about the ones we love through a whole year and maybe buy Christmas presents already in autumn so we can have Christmas for us and our true friends.

Love Revelations

After an amazing Christmas evening when I felt like home with a person full of love and compassion, I had two revelations. First one was that I realised it is no use to be angry on anyone. We all make mistakes in life and each story has two sides. I think the only way of achieving true happiness is to work on yourself and let yourself be the judge of your true value being thankful for everything people you shared your life with gave you. After all it is usually relationships that make you grow up.

Here is my second revelation. I spoke with my future family member about women and how bitchy sometimes they can be. We broke up with few girls in our lives and with almost each one the same thing happened. He said he lots of times had a girl he tried to pass some wisdom on or to convince her into doing something as for example kite surfing. I had girls I was trying to show them how to be fearless, how to dance and just live the moment. I tried to make them read books and do something useful in their lives as for example to learn Spanish if they loved it. The funny thing is that girls didn’t want to do it. No matter how hard we tried and what approaches we took they just didn’t do it. But when we finally left them, their Facebook and Instagram were full of photos of them reading books, kite surfing, painting, enjoying life like never before. I talked with my female friends and they said this is the way girls want to show men what a mistake they did by leaving them. How cool they actually are totally surprised how we haven’t noticed that before. How could we notice that if it didn’t exist!? It is lovely to see people growing each on their own. But you know what I think? If you don’t do it FOR your partner out of TRUE love when you have a chance, then everything else fades. So girls… Stop trying so hard showing how cool you are now. You had your chance! And vice versa!!! I know a lot of guys that are totally the same! The only thing we men are sorry about is that by doing this you destroyed a beautiful idea of a new love story with you that might happen somewhere in the future. I think it is better to leave the doors open than closing them forever. Kisses to all and I can’t wait to be with you in another post.

Between need and desire

I find it interesting how the sun affects me. I was going through a horrible day the last time thinking about love, life and how things might be different, so I had trouble sleeping for the whole night. But when it was around 10 o’clock the sun started shining and my mood just shifted.

I think people don’t understand love. They think love is connected only to their partners. They express love as a need. But the problem of this kind of love is that when you lose an object you need, you lose your happiness. Therefore you need to replace it as soon as possible. When you replace it you feel in love again because instead of processing the pain and learning from it, you just put a plaster on the wound. Some are lucky and find their love straight after the broken relationship but this for the ones who are processing their pain alone means they were not in the right one from the beginning.

There is a big difference between a need and a desire. A need is a shutdown. A need crashes relationships because it blocks the ones that are needed. From my experience I know that I was twice escaping a relationship where I was needed. It strangled me, it blocked my heart and when I opened it, I was hurt like never before. It invaded my private space and destroyed my social life. I was always a person that faced problems but when someone needs you, he or she is not interested in solving the problem but avoiding it even though most of the time subconsciously. Avoiding a problem looks like playing a victim or attacking the object of need, blaming it for not being honest whereas they are not honest with themselves. They are the ones that never expressed their true feelings and blamed others for blocking them. It is quite a common pathological triangle which can be found in lots of relationships.

The funny thing is that when you live with a person that needs you, you start copying the pattern which results in timeless arguing. Therefore my advice is to always follow your instinct. I knew when I should escape, but I haven’t because I felt loved and I didn’t have the guts to be alone and process my pain. Above all everyone was telling me I shouldn’t because she loves me and love is hard to find. My mind was so distracted that I started blaming myself for the situation I was in. I thought it was in my power to change it. I thought it was actually my fault that she cannot dance in front of me because I make her shy.

I was talking about the sun and shifting my mentality because I realized I feel love for so many things in my life. I don’t have a girlfriend and god knows when I’ll find one, but I still love. I love the sun, I love drawing, I love doing makeup video tutorials, I love to think and I love to cook. I remembered I love so many things that my life is actually great! Now there is no one in it that would drink my energy and blame me for their incapability of living a happy life by themselves. I escaped because I love myself and my heart cannot be with people that are hurting it.

Thank you god for showing me what broken heart means because you blessed me by realizing I was sharing it on the wrong place at the wrong time. There is no one to blame because we are just different and happiness should be there for everyone, though I am happy I ran away from the pain of being needed and not desired. In both ways you can feel loved but there is just one that brings long term happiness. Who knows? Maybe it just wasn’t the right moment but I think when you truly love someone you never want to hurt them no matter what they did, and if you did, maybe it is time to say “I am sorry.”