I find it interesting how the sun affects me. I was going through a horrible day the last time thinking about love, life and how things might be different, so I had trouble sleeping for the whole night. But when it was around 10 o’clock the sun started shining and my mood just shifted.
I think people don’t understand love. They think love is connected only to their partners. They express love as a need. But the problem of this kind of love is that when you lose an object you need, you lose your happiness. Therefore you need to replace it as soon as possible. When you replace it you feel in love again because instead of processing the pain and learning from it, you just put a plaster on the wound. Some are lucky and find their love straight after the broken relationship but this for the ones who are processing their pain alone means they were not in the right one from the beginning.
There is a big difference between a need and a desire. A need is a shutdown. A need crashes relationships because it blocks the ones that are needed. From my experience I know that I was twice escaping a relationship where I was needed. It strangled me, it blocked my heart and when I opened it, I was hurt like never before. It invaded my private space and destroyed my social life. I was always a person that faced problems but when someone needs you, he or she is not interested in solving the problem but avoiding it even though most of the time subconsciously. Avoiding a problem looks like playing a victim or attacking the object of need, blaming it for not being honest whereas they are not honest with themselves. They are the ones that never expressed their true feelings and blamed others for blocking them. It is quite a common pathological triangle which can be found in lots of relationships.
The funny thing is that when you live with a person that needs you, you start copying the pattern which results in timeless arguing. Therefore my advice is to always follow your instinct. I knew when I should escape, but I haven’t because I felt loved and I didn’t have the guts to be alone and process my pain. Above all everyone was telling me I shouldn’t because she loves me and love is hard to find. My mind was so distracted that I started blaming myself for the situation I was in. I thought it was in my power to change it. I thought it was actually my fault that she cannot dance in front of me because I make her shy.
I was talking about the sun and shifting my mentality because I realized I feel love for so many things in my life. I don’t have a girlfriend and god knows when I’ll find one, but I still love. I love the sun, I love drawing, I love doing makeup video tutorials, I love to think and I love to cook. I remembered I love so many things that my life is actually great! Now there is no one in it that would drink my energy and blame me for their incapability of living a happy life by themselves. I escaped because I love myself and my heart cannot be with people that are hurting it.
Thank you god for showing me what broken heart means because you blessed me by realizing I was sharing it on the wrong place at the wrong time. There is no one to blame because we are just different and happiness should be there for everyone, though I am happy I ran away from the pain of being needed and not desired. In both ways you can feel loved but there is just one that brings long term happiness. Who knows? Maybe it just wasn’t the right moment but I think when you truly love someone you never want to hurt them no matter what they did, and if you did, maybe it is time to say “I am sorry.”